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| A split second before breaking my leg. |
A few months of inactivity gave me lots of time to think and
consider whether climbing and I would still have a future together. After all, I'd reached a lot of personal
milestones and had had some incredible times with amazing people. Perhaps it
was time to move on...
After 3 months I began to tentatively climb again - albeit
mostly sideways and close to floor! My
leg was still a little painful and certainly prevented me from falling too
far. Little by little, things improved
and I could fall slightly further without much discomfort. I was very fearful of re-injury and this
inhibited my climbing, and limited my enjoyment. I started to train again and was initially
very demoralised by how much weaker I'd become.
My leg continued to improve over the next months - I could
fall from a little higher and was starting to get some strength back. However, I felt like I was just going through
the motions and no longer loved what I was doing. I was still very fearful and this greatly
inhibited my enjoyment and desire for the sport. I used to love climbing for so many reasons
and the intense fear of injury was overshadowing all the positive emotions that
I'd usually draw from climbing. I had to
do something to tackle the fear... I needed to get back on the metaphorical 'horse'. Not just any boulder, but I really needed to
tackle the fear by revisiting the site of my accident and climbing the boulder
problem Futebol...
I booked a trip to Fontainebleau for October and started to
contemplate how I'd get myself to the top of the boulder. The main problem would be mental and
emotional, but I certainly couldn't underestimate the physical challenge. When fully fit it should be a reasonably
straightforward challenge to climb, however, I was unfit and nowhere near
strong enough to climb it. I continued
to train at the wall and worked on getting my fitness back.
I went to Font two weeks ago and set about remembering how
to climb in the forest. It was a shaky
start - I was very nervous on even the lower top outs. However, things improved and I rediscovered
my movement, composure and desire to climb again. All things considered, I was actually feeling
quite strong. I climbed a lot in the
first week and climbed many boulders that I found quite difficult, but not at
my limit.
We were in the second week of the trip and I knew I needed
to contemplate when to revisit Futebol.
We visited Gorge de Houx one day and parked in the same place as for
Futebol. The parking was 1km from
Futebol, however, I found it very emotional to be back there. It really surprised my how much it upset me - it brought back the memories of struggling across the road with sticks and the
painful 'collapse' into the car. I
certainly couldn't imagine visiting the boulder, let alone climbing it
again. We only had 5 days left and my
goal of 'getting back on the horse' was feeling far out of reach.
I spent some time thinking about why I climbed and why I
wanted to keep climbing. I decided that
I loved climbing too much to let it go yet.
Some element of fear and risk gave me a buzz and (sorry, this sounds
very cliché) actually made me feel alive!
I really wanted to re-discover my desire and needed to face up to my
fears and climb Futebol. I needed
closure...
We were leaving on the Saturday at 3pm, and in true last
minute fashion (add lashings of jeopardy!) I decided to visit Futebol on the Saturday
morning. It would’ve been a day or two
earlier, but the weather had conspired against us and soaked the forest. We pulled up at the parking and I felt
apprehensive, but positive. I didn’t
feel overcome by inhibiting emotions and instead felt ready to conquer my fears…
Ben and Beccie had come for moral support and to help carry
in the all-important crash pads. It was
a beautiful day and not too hot, the sun was veiled by thin clouds and a gentle
breeze eased the yellowing leaves from the trees. The forest was ablaze with colour and looked
incredibly beautiful. We walked briskly
to the boulder and I partially relived the painful one hour hobble from my
accident. I spotted the boulders on
which I rested and gathered myself to continue the 1km stagger to the car. Boulders began to appear on the right and I
spotted Futebol rising up through the fiery bracken. It still looked like an amazing and beautiful
line and, although apprehensive, I still wanted to climb it.
I cleaned the top of the boulder, warmed up and we placed
the pads under the problem. It was
slightly worrying as we had slightly less pads than when I’d broken my leg,
however, on this occasion I had one extra spotter and it would be possible to
field a fall from either side of the boulder.
I ensured that the offending rock was well covered, although I was still
a little concerned about the stepped landing – it would be down to the spotters
to ensure I landed on the flat areas of the pads.
I began to try the moves and was already feeling the correct
movement. I quickly recalled the correct
footholds and felt strong and in control on the lower moves. I had a quick push through the start and
tried the final moves to the top sloper.
I held the top sloper and tried placing my right heel on the arête. It was this heel placement that had slipped
and caused me to spin off and break my leg.
I planned exactly where to put my heel, jumped off and began my
preparations for finally climbing the problem.
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| Placing the toe-hook |
I checked the position of the pads, brushed the holds and prepared
for an attempt. I chalked up, took some
deep breaths and pulled on. I stuck the
first move, moved my feet and placed the toe-hook – the climbing was feeling OK,
but I was understandably nervous and overpowering the moves. My movement was tense and I stuck the top
sloper, but it wasn’t right… I was holding the sloper incorrectly - I nervously brought my heel onto the arête
and felt extremely insecure. I had
flashbacks of the accident and felt very scared - I removed my heel and jumped
off. It wasn’t good to be in that
position again – could I make myself commit and risk falling again? ‘Yes!’, I thought to myself, but only on one
condition. I would only be able to
commit to the insecure heel move if I could get the holds perfectly and place
my heel perfectly. I would only commit
if I could execute the setup moves and the heel rock-over flawlessly.
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| Placing the perfect heel |
I rested and mentally prepared to go again - I visualised
the moves in detail and replayed them in my mind over and over. I visualised every detail and imagined
watching myself in the third person. I
visualised every aspect of each move – the foot placement, tensing my core and
feeling the texture of each sloper through my fingertips. I visualised the move to the top sloper and
how it would feel to hold it – the hold would feel perfect and I would be able
to hold it securely and with confidence, there would be no doubt. Then I visualised placing the heel perfectly
and consciously checking it is in exactly the right place. I would check the heel and trust it
completely – I would weight it with 100% confidence, rock over and climb to the
top.
I pulled on and executed each move exactly, my breathing
was deliberate and controlled, the top sloper felt exactly right and I
carefully placed the heel. It felt
right, I was cautious, but had no doubts in my mind – I felt completely in
control and wasn’t going to fall. I knelt
on top of the boulder and put my head in my hands.
Happiness, relief and calm swept over me – I wasn’t really bothered
about the ‘send’, but facing my fears meant so much to me. I’d fallen from this boulder and broken my
leg – now, 6 months later, I’d climbed to the top and ‘closed the circle’.
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| An emotional finish to Futebol |
Last, but not least, I like to say thank you to everybody who
helped me. Thankyou Claire for being so
wonderful and looking after me in my time of need. Thank you to all the friends and family who
helped. And, thank you to Beccie and Ben who
supported me on the day I finally climbed Futebol.
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